Scattered thoughts on gender
Hopefully no line break issues this time
While all of my posts so far have been on the subject of mental health (or more specifically, what happens when mental health goes sideways), one of the subjects that drew me into Substack in the first place was the gender gap and what can be done about it.
This takes the form of such questions as:
What (if anything) can (or should) we do about the political divergence between males and females in recent years- not just in the U.S. but abroad?
Why is Andrew Tate so popular despite his poasting, arrest, and all of mainstream media claiming that he is a hemorrhoid on society?
Why are men (and some very rare women) claiming in greater and greater numbers that they don’t identify as feminists or that feminism causes more problems than it solves?
Why do well-intentioned attempts at “healthy masculinity” and trying to get men to be more vulnerable and emotional and less angry and horny often fall flat on their face?
(As someone who was actually a very non-traditionally non-masculine boy and man growing up, who experienced quite a bit of browbeating from various sources for not being a traditional stoic strong male, I should be one of the first ones to preach the virtues of “healthy masculinity” campaigns- and yet my first reaction to seeing 90% of “healthy masculinity” thinkpieces is to toss myself out the nearest window. So this question has a particular resonance for me.)
Why are society and young men generally coming to the conclusion that they are not each others’ allies?
Why do men and emotions have such a difficult relationship and what are the conflicting social messages boys receive around all of this- from the people claiming to help them?
What does it mean for men to claim that society is increasingly “feminized”, and what does that look like in practice?
Why is the number of times people have said “men and boys need help” inversely correlated with the amount of help people actually want to give?
Needless to say, these are all very interesting questions. Which I always tell myself I should write an article on some time but don’t. Oops.
Having said that, since commenting on other people’s articles about gender is much easier than writing them, I have left a couple of comments on various gender-related posts I’ve found interesting recently, and for the sake of transparency I should post some of my current fallible opinions on gender issues so that people who come to this page can get some basic idea of where I stand.
Like most people who spout opinions on gender (or anything else), my opinions are based on a combination of lived experience, books/media research, other people’s articles, what I hear from people around me, and what the kids call “vibes”. All of these things are unmistakably subject to my own biases and blindspots and I take full responsibility for that.
I don’t think the gender wars between boys and girls are quite as bad as some people say they are. However, I don’t deny that the situation is not good and that all the public opinion polls with the diverging arrows for males/females are not coming out of thin air. Like everything else in the last 8 years, we have become less willing to accept charity towards each other’s experiences and beliefs. Gender is absolutely not immune to this.
While I may get a lot of pushback for this, I generally believe feminism has done more good than bad throughout history. I also believe that anyone that thinks women didn’t get kind of a raw deal throughout history should not be taken intellectually seriously in any capacity.
I don’t think “sexism has been solved” or anything like that. But if you know the solution, please DM me.
I think “toxic masculinity” describes a real phenomenon that deserves to be examined critically, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel. I also think that the past few years have been an exercise in what happens when you take a valid concept like “toxic masculinity” and do everything in your power to make people want to run as far away from it as possible, and I don’t think this can entirely be attributed to fragile whiny men covering their ears and running away.
I think #MeToo needed to happen and I was sorely disappointed that a lot of the accompanying conversations that also needed to happen along with it didn’t happen. You can interpret that statement however you wish.
While I may also get a lot of pushback for this, I think mens’ rights activists bring up a lot of issues that people generally do not want to talk about but should. I also think that if we are going to point out the PR failure of “toxic masculinity”, it would be malpractice to not point out the PR nuclear implosion of “men’s rights”, Cassie Jaye aside, and I don’t think this can entirely be attributed to evil mean feminists calling divorced dads assholes in youtube comments.
There has been a recent push by certain feminists, most recently Ruth Whippman but also by many others, to call for more emotional support for boys and men instead of shaming, despite men being a privileged oppressor class and patriarchy and all that. I think this is well-intentioned and signals a small but very real shift in gender discourse culture. I also think it is unlikely to succeed in the long term for the boys and men who need it the most.
Full disclosure: I read Ruth’s book, BOYMOM, despite being pretty much the exact opposite of the target audience for it. I have the beginnings of a reaction to it in my drafts folder. One of these days, I may find the courage to write the whole thing out. I will say it matched my expectations in some ways and exceeded it in others, and that I am glad Ruth wrote it.
I think the question of “what should we do about lonely, adrift, isolated, angry, edgy, loser young men” is a question that is ever salient throughout history, and that 2024 is no exception. As a former edgy loser young man, I will say that I think 99% of solutions I see proposed to this question will fail. I hope I am wrong.
To be fair, if you asked me what I would do instead, I am fully aware that my own suggestions would either be impractical or unpalatable for a lot of people, and- like everyone else’s- they would not be able to save everyone. No, I am not going to suggest state-sponsored forced marriages or prostitution. Don’t be stupid.
I actually think men shouldn’t be afraid to cry, but for some reason, every person who’s wanted me to cry more has also been holding a “Male Tears” mug in their profile pic.